I was playing farm

I'm a younger brother. It's always been that way! Now my family, the one that consists of my father and brother, has been dying for a long time. I was always the one to keep it alive. I was the younger brother, I acted like a baby and my older brother hated me. Because I was immature? I dunno.

The fact is that I always looked up to my brother to come up with the next super cool thing. He was that source of stuff for me. Anything tech back in the day, my brother loved it! He exposed me to stuff he was interested in. That was good cause he wasn't an idiot. In a lot of ways his profound influence over me was good. But in a lot of ways it's been bad.

My brother ridiculed people. Probably because we were a ridiculed family, if that makes any sense. We had a house in the sub urbs and it was... We were house rich! But poor in general. Immagantish too.

The worst part was that there was no love between my parents.
That was something that neither my brother nor I were mature enough to process.

So, two siblings, unhappy home. I got picked on. My brother was smart. He never let me feel smart. I think that was because I was the fast athletic type. And even tho he was 5  years older then me,  I never made it easy for him to pick on my physically.

So everything was a mind game.

Looking back, it's hard not to call abuse. But I won't. That was something that he liked to do. He always said my parents beat him up.

They beat us both up. It was what it was. It was never really that bad. But that's all perspective. I was the baby bitch brother. I know I knew how to get what I wanted back then.

I'm stuck here, and that's something that sucks. I'm focused on the fact that I need someone to show me the way, to be the mentor. It would be cool if was my older brother! But imagine if it was my dad. I had a really big epiphany about him. Maybe I'll save that one for tomorrow.


I'm resilient, and I'm always looking for new friends now. That's something that it's given me. Growing up with someone who ridiculed and abused you messes with your mind, but a constant source of ridicule bombarding you everyday,  teaches how to build a back bone.

Now I may not have been the brightest tool in the shed,