Don't watch me do that

'swiping right,

I swiped on a dudes wife tonight, Hot as fuck and I almost got to bang her but I bitched out ...


She was this cute little mom of 2,

"I love my man, and he wants me to fuck someone and film it.' she told me nervously.

I was like "really, Im down" so I strapped my gear together to do a POV porn.

Fuck Ive been shooting for years never though of doing a porno.

This woman was beautiful. Top tear and taken care of, this wasn't a trampy whore, she was a business lady.

She invited me into her bedroom and then called her dude on Facetime.

I mean I was willing to talk to him but I wasn't down to bang his wife on Live camera.

I tried for a second tho, to run through the scenario that he offered and I couldn't get my shit to work.

I needed to connect with her. I could tell she loved him, and that I was involved something pretty deep.

"We've been to couples counselling about this, this has been months in the making" she explained to me,  as I stared at her sitting there, tits out, beautiful,  I was jerking off.  I wanted my body to let this happen, it wasn't having it tho.

I felt bad for under achieving, she was so hot.

He's a lucky fucker I thought to myself, and she was listening to everything he was telling her to do. She was so connected to him. It was strange but it was also endearing.

There were elements to the whole that I don't think I fully understand and Ill see what this does to me.

It was expansive and scary, I think it was ok tho.

For now

if anything i bitched out.

I think it's cause I wasn't open about it with my lover

I rushed home to talk to her about it.

She knows me. When I'm with her I get excited,

I never have the problem that I had tonight. She's beautiful too.

"I did it because I wanted to see if I would be able to do it.!!" I told her


" You weren't" she said.







Tinder ...

Chernoble

How to start? It's a question we all ask. No one knows where to start, not until they've failed. Failure is usually where you start. You'll know know that if you've failed and gotten up to try again then it's within your abilities to try again.

 Most of us don't have the balls to fail. We're all looking for that success, that easy money.

I'm not so sure people find that easy money. We're all after another persons dream. Well, not all of us. There is a lot of people though.

So how do you get someone to be motivated enough to fail? Be willing to fail yourself.

That's a huge issue, today's leaders never fail. Well not until they fail everything and there's nuclear war.

Dropping in the club

Needing to play with the team. It's easy to say, but then you remember that you're an all star and the rest of the team is a bunch of rookies.

What am I to do?

I'm willing to pass back to the keeper, he can punt that ball back into play. Things are bound to get interesting. This city is somewhere new. There's so much to look forward to. I'm interested in making a podcast and making a movie. Totally do able. I'll have them intertwined. The movie is going to be urban underground on the Job, but nightlife edition. There's been some drama involved in the industry over the last several months and it's changed the way we see stuff too.

So I need to also do a camera drive and find more photographers.

That's easy, and so is writing this blog everyday. Not all glitchy like I have been.

Pencils for the internet






There is so many kids out there yearning to learn how to create beautiful captivating images so they can publish them on their Facebook. A Cameras life is not like it was 10 or 20 years ago. People are taking more photos then ever, people are looking through photographs at an astronomical rate. Inspiration comes from sharing images appropriately and in the right context. Success is on the internet, and cameras are designed to guide us through our journey.

Twenty years ago the internet existed but not everyone was on it. In 1996 there was a small chance you owned a digital camera. It probably wasn't very good though. Ten Yeas ago the internet was becoming main stream, with the advent of the smart phone and Facebook cameras became a basic commodity.  That's changed the way we take photos. Now there is such a thing as a selfie. The internet has given the camera a new canvas.

More and more kids these days are expressing themselves over the internet. Not only are they, expressing themselves over the internet, they are also connecting with people from all around the world in an instant. We're all connected and our cameras are the best vehicle to express ourselves authentically in real time. There is lots of sharing going on, like never before. Understanding personal boundaries in an online context is integral in creating positive outcomes. Cameras make it easy to share things on the web. Kids should know how to use a camera.

So who wants to know how to take your photos to the next level?

The answer is, we all do. Can you imagine what photography is going to be like in the next 10 to 20 years. Its crazy to think about what people are going to get to see. What kids are going to watch. Its important to understand what we're seeing, it's important to understand what's appropriate. There is a demand for cameras, cause kids love to see.

Wortely

Warts, like what the fuck, warts. What's it suppose to mean? Asking myself that question has not helped, I'll just have to ask the internet!! Hey internet! Are you listening?

There's companies showing interest in me! That's awesome because I have no where to go but up!
I can not wait to meet with more people to learn about what there is to do in my field.

I'm interested in recruiting more photographers and building a community that I control and maintain. To do so I need skilled photographers. How did I become skilled?
 It's funny to think about, but photography has come slowly to me. Image manipulation, fuck, that's coming slower.

Someone tried to seduce me today! Now that's awesome. It's weird, I don't know about the relationship, don't think it could handle me fucking another person. It's weird cause I never want to write about this shit.  Gotta start.

So I realized I'm worth a bunch of money.  I want to build communities for money. That's what I want to do. I am a global citizen that wants to build a better world for tomorrow. I think everyone can drive a Porsche because I want to drive one!

and that's ok.

I want to drive all sorts of beautiful vehicles. Fuck cars I want houses, and land for my babies and their grand kids. Why's it so hard to think about exactly what you need. You need to dream big to think right.
I don't want to fuck my ex girl friend. I fell off my bike last night, in front of the lil man! And he was embarrassed, I hurt my hand.

Energy and success pull us together, but in the long term it's never everyone that gets to reap the benefits.

It's the person in control of the game.   

Cunt

Not everyone is going to see things. It's funny how I could handle the most nerve racking situations sometimes. I get intimidated.
I do.

I am totally not ashamed of it. There are those who run when they're scared. I don't run, I'm more of a "deer in headlights" kind of guy. I just want people around me to succeed, that's how I'm going to succeed. If I'm all around the stuff I'll grow. I remember having people around me who pulled at me. I was never able to manage finishing anything I wanted.

I don't want to be that to others.

Make sure you're not either.

Bitch

trying to stay focused

God has given us so many excuses, but instead of doing what he pleads for us to do in our own minds we do the opposite. That's the balance, but there is harmony for those who listen.
I can take amazing photographs and shoot incredible footage, but it's not where I'm destined to be. I think I'll always be a photographer, but there is more then meets the eye.

Why is it so important to share with others? It just is, and really sharing with others helps justify all those times you took something just for you. We all do it, take a little more. That's what makes our days that much better. That double double, or that extra beer after the game, the car we drive. They are all those little extras we take for granted. Almost everything we have is taken for granted, it's a part of our culture, just like that double double or that third Canadian. That doesn't mean we can't give to others. It's actually motivation to change things for people who don't have the same comforts as us. That's how buying someone a coffee, or giving them a ride can change your life.

We all take what we need and more. It's nature, and it happens. We envy those who have the most, the CEOs, the Celebrities,  the athletes. They all had to get to where they were by working hard and in one way or another by being aggressive. CEOs do corporate take overs, celebrities are making pornography, and competition is at the core of athletics. To rise to the top, you gotta fight to win.

Learn to write a script

Whoa, this blog shit's working, Im challenging myself to do shit.
Tried to make a list of things I hate! And right from the get go I seemed to change the way I see shit! Looking for things to hate, seems to give you another perspective,   and it's hard to find out what it is that really set you off.

I had such a sweet day and I realized I have to start creating script. so I should look into how to make those.

I'm also learning how to do another job. It's not my favourite but it is something.

I need to organize my thoughts that'll keep my head clear. That clarity is what maters, ten steps ahead.

There is this guy that I work with, he's kind of an ass and he asked me to make him internet famous.
I need to do this. I need to put him on that internet in a way that'll make him famous, but in an appropriate way.

I can see something. I should really look in to how to write a script

Focus on the bright side of shit.

There are those times when you're waiting for someone and you're excited and you keep waiting but they never show. WTF right? Happens. Make the best of it write a blog.

It's hard to see the good in things. Today I kept reacting to traffic. That's something that I need to let go of. I need to find a way to get out of the car.

There's more to it, isn't there?
I know.

The Lil Man keeps me sane and he's only ten. He's smart. I am lucky.

Today I was discussing crap with a co worker. I young guy. 18. He's got a girlfriend and he listens. He's smart too. I was talking shit.

Then he admitted to me, that he listened to me. That sometimes the things I say make sense and help him see another perspective.
Now I'm a nasty pessimist, and I am a little crude, but this kid gets me.

That makes me feel sane. Lil Man gets me too and that means so much.

Now back to not hating on crap. What sucks? I have to think about it. To think it through. focus on the shit, then while stewing in your own misery, finding the bright side.

Knowing how to look at the bright side of shit, that's what i'd like to be better at. Getting up while you're down.

That's really an art that I want to master.

So I should ask myself to list what makes me angry tomorrow, in tomorrows blog.

Wish me luck!

Destiny In Writing

How many of my goals have I achieved! Well fuck, the Planche? Is hard as fuck! But I have traveled! To the USA, Twice! And it was great.

Now what?

 Drone? Well I am droning, I would like to take a little bit of a risk and buy a drone! It'd be bad ass.
There is so many regulations out here! There is so much always going on in my head! I forget that I am here to tell the story.

What story?

Well about the city of Edmonton! Fuck it's a waste of a place! We were a booming, oil industry power house! We produce oil! Not just any oil though! Alberta is know internationally for it's dirty oil! I'm from here! I've seen what the oil industry can do to a population!

Canadians are a hard working bunch! At least we were, until corporate greed dismantled our infant national pride! Now we're more of less a crowd of people who are awful polluters. We waste more then any other nation in the world! That's not a statistic, it's my belief!
 Our systems are meant to inure more money not to achieve any goals! From healthcare, governance, to education and safety, we have developed a system that focuses on one thing, greed. It's new for me to truly have to believe this but I do.

I'm going to infiltrate the system. I have an idea. I'm no longer going to use my right for free speech to express how I feel. I am going to make a declaration that I will hid my true opinions toward the bureaucratic, councillors, and dogs of my city and I am going to publicly embrace them.

That's what I am going to do.

The first thing I'm going to do is share with my fellow Edmontonians that I have a love for Hockey. Our city prides itself as one of the go to places for really hockey! We have a love for the game in this city that far exceeds the love of the people!  The System knows that, and by system I mean the leaders of all the social programs, from governance to education.

I just ate 20 timbits during my writing of these paragraphs~

There is a way inside! I feel like I'm meant to be the biggest fan of the shit I hate!

I'm going to do this.

Step on is to declare my love of the YEG Oilers! And find way to glorify this piece of shit org!
Step two would be to Glorify the government people, and the city officials.
Provincial officials too, they'll need me to take a closer look inside of them, then the media.

Let's put them on a pedestal and see if they will accept me. Maybe I'll learn to accept them.

Failure blast 010

If someone does not like you! You're usually some sort of threat to them. It's not easy to hate, it seems easy but it's such a waste of energy.

I definitely hate, I hate in traffic, in any line up anywhere! it's bad and my son sees it! it's not racist hate but there is some stereotypical things that i do that I need to stop. It's funny because I don't think I would have noticed this about myself if I wasn't writing about it at the moment.
 Exposing yourself on anything does not hurt! it helps, for now, I guess there could be consequences of blogging that I cant foresee yet.

they'll be positive. Life's good. Is that because I'm bi polar? Probably not, I'm flourishing and so are many around me.

If there is anybody dragging me down it's me,

I need a script for a blog, a video Blog.

My new years Goals,

It's important to note that these are not resolutions, these are the goals I've set for myself.

I'm going to Planche! It's possible... I've see the progression and I'll put myself in the position to be able to do that move. Gymnastics are awesome.

I'm going to further my Education, both my psychology and my knowledge base for graphic design and video manipulation.

I'd like to travel abroad more then once and at least once I'd like to be related to a job.

I'm going to learn to fly a drone and create aerial photographs and video.

My progress is going to encourage other to follow their own dream, starting with making videos about what they see themselves achieving in 2016

gas farts

Letting go just does not seem to fit in my vocabulary! But I think I can get over shit! Baggage in my favorite thing to lug around. I dig up my past on the daily to talk about the shit that made me the way I am! Which is slow and retarded!

My son says retard is no longer a word? I act like one all the time.

I am settling into figuring out what it is exactly that I want to do with my life and I seem to be on the right path.

blog plow job

Procrastinating and totally blowing things off and then coming up with an excuse as to why i didn't need to do that is deff one of my flaws!
I still don't have a clue about who I want to be when i grow up. And Im still interested in procreating with every women in the world. Which I've just realized over the last couple of years is actually not going to be possible even if I did get the chance.

I've always managed to keep building relationships with people. Not just the same old people but with new ones over and over again,

Don't want to blow this off tho

stab yourself in the face

Wanna know something gross about me?

I know more about what others want for themselves then I know about what I want for me.

It's a flaw and it has to do with what I've been figuring out over the last couple of years. Who are you?  I know it's such a tough fucking question.
Looking back I think my first dreams involved having a loving family. I think I want to be a part of a loving family. I got that. I'm a loving father.
It's hard not to look back and say that I didn't have a good father or any good loving siblings, but I guess you can't.

What do I want beyond the family.

Love, lust passion...

So how do I turn my weakness into a strength?

I do what others want to please them. I'd like to do what I want to please me.

Becoming me will mean I have to do what I want. I want to be perfect. Or get as close as I can to perfection.
I want to focus on my body but that immediately gets me thinking that I'm doing it to get attention from others. 

this is a grossly huge and emotional topic. I'm sure I'll be back to enjoy more of this shit soon.

A dream is anything that doesn't destroy the dreams of others

Looking up to people has its draw backs. Sometimes, most of the time the people you're looking up to suck shit!
Not many leaders in the world turn out to be who they officially set out to be. Why is that?
What is leadership?
It's not just organizing people, even tho that's how to equate success, it's also about organizing an ideal that gets people driven.
The difficulties individuals who have vision run into is fear of change.

So what what can someone do to become a leader and over come societies general fear of change? Follow their dreams! If you want to change anything, ther'll be resistance! You'll learn to anticipate obstacles if you're serious about pursuing your dreams!

People will look up to you. So stick to the ideal.

to be honest there really is only one ideal, and that's to encourage yourself and all the people around you to follow their dreams.

I was playing farm

I'm a younger brother. It's always been that way! Now my family, the one that consists of my father and brother, has been dying for a long time. I was always the one to keep it alive. I was the younger brother, I acted like a baby and my older brother hated me. Because I was immature? I dunno.

The fact is that I always looked up to my brother to come up with the next super cool thing. He was that source of stuff for me. Anything tech back in the day, my brother loved it! He exposed me to stuff he was interested in. That was good cause he wasn't an idiot. In a lot of ways his profound influence over me was good. But in a lot of ways it's been bad.

My brother ridiculed people. Probably because we were a ridiculed family, if that makes any sense. We had a house in the sub urbs and it was... We were house rich! But poor in general. Immagantish too.

The worst part was that there was no love between my parents.
That was something that neither my brother nor I were mature enough to process.

So, two siblings, unhappy home. I got picked on. My brother was smart. He never let me feel smart. I think that was because I was the fast athletic type. And even tho he was 5  years older then me,  I never made it easy for him to pick on my physically.

So everything was a mind game.

Looking back, it's hard not to call abuse. But I won't. That was something that he liked to do. He always said my parents beat him up.

They beat us both up. It was what it was. It was never really that bad. But that's all perspective. I was the baby bitch brother. I know I knew how to get what I wanted back then.

I'm stuck here, and that's something that sucks. I'm focused on the fact that I need someone to show me the way, to be the mentor. It would be cool if was my older brother! But imagine if it was my dad. I had a really big epiphany about him. Maybe I'll save that one for tomorrow.


I'm resilient, and I'm always looking for new friends now. That's something that it's given me. Growing up with someone who ridiculed and abused you messes with your mind, but a constant source of ridicule bombarding you everyday,  teaches how to build a back bone.

Now I may not have been the brightest tool in the shed,

let's bring it back to where it hurts

There is so many ways to suck! I've been sucking ass lately. I feel like I have the whole world nailed down and now I'm bored. I need to write things down more.

So I'm going to set a goal, something simple.

I'm going to say that I need to post everyday. But everyday I have to pick something about myself that I have to ridicule. Do this and then find a way to empower myself by writing about something that's going well.
I want to cause stress on my weakness's I want to be stronger there. Let's try to break down the walls and smash this ego.

Here we go

I want to say that I have a weak lower abdominal, but I'm weak in lots of places and one of my biggest fears is letting my mom and my little boy down.

I'm looking at my life and thinking about the fact that I've more or less been living off my mom. I pay some bills, but not consistently. I've been making money, but not more and more. I haven't grown even though I have had the room and the potential too.

I feel like I need to expose this weakness in me and this is the way! I'm going to start talking shit about myself and that's ok.

I have lot's of things about myself that I hate and I'm not even a hater! This is Awesome! I think the fact that I'm going to be putting myself out there makes me stronger. I need strength in all these weak areas of my existence. I have this future that I'm going forward into and there are ways to be here in the now to move forward toward where I need to be.

I've been stuck yeah, but to give myself a break one of the reasons that I'm so settled is because I think I'm a caring dad.

So there'll be more to me coming.

Tomorrow I'm suppose to have another post and this should be happening for the next year. The posts should very and I'm going to start a site.

nottheworst.ca